My struggle with depression.
- keanderson918
- Nov 5, 2020
- 7 min read
Ah, depression. Such a hard subject to talk about. But, while its hard, it's such a necessary topic to talk about. Depression is scarily common and it comes in many forms and many degrees. Depression is many things, but it's most important to recognize that it isn't just a sense of weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression can be genetic, it can form as a result of tragedy, loss, other life-altering circumstances, and much more. Mine has changed in severity through the years. But, lets start at the beginning. Like I said, depression can be genetic. Mental illness has run in my family, so yes, part of why I have depression is genetic, I've dealt with tragedy and loss as well. In 2014, I lost my 15 year old brother. That was hands down THE worst thing to have ever happened to me. But, I'll save those details for another post. What I want to talk about here, is the depression that followed that devastating loss.
Before my brother's passing, I thought depression was just feeling sad. But, boy, was I brutally wrong. I found out the hard way that depression is pushing away the people who want to help you. It's feeling physically incapable of getting out of bed to do things that you once loved, or still do love, but they they just seem unimportant. It's feeling like you are alone when you're in a room full of people. It's thoughts of wishing it was you that was taken so that your brother could live the amazing life that he was destined to live. It's losing sleep because you're having awful, vivid dreams. It's losing 25 pounds because you can't eat. It's feeling guilty for living, for laughing. It's panic attacks randomly, at very inappropriate times — in inappropriate places.
My depression started when I was 18 years old. I was a senior in high school. It was my final semester and let me tell you, I struggled. My grades struggled, my attendance struggled, my relationships with my friends struggled, my relationships with my family STRUGGLED. I took help from my school counselors to get myself through the last few months of high school, which looking back, was a god-send that they are there. *School counselors are a GREAT resource when you're in need-whether its emotional, educational, or physical.* I ran away from my problems big time that summer. I went to Florida, Texas, Wisconsin, Missouri to avoid my real life at home. The running away inevitably came to a stop when fall rolled around. I started college at the local community college. Side note, my plans were to go to a university, but after the loss, I decided to stay close to home. Anyway, I started taking classes and on top of the expected stress from school, I was dealing with my overwhelming depression and decided to take a break of school after only completing 1 semester. I thought focusing on getting my mental and physical health right was my top priority at that point in my life. I felt like my decision would disappoint my family, my friends. But, thankfully they were all pretty supportive.
I was living at home and my depression mixed with my parents' depression, and my brother's depression did not necessarily blend. It took a huge strain on our family, as was expected. But, it got pretty bad for awhile. Without getting into the gritty details, I stayed with friends as much as I could until I eventually moved out. This was such a great decision for not just myself, but for my relationship with my family. It gave us some space, but it was the good kind of space that was much needed in order to get back to the tight-knit family that we always were. Now, I'm not saying we're perfect, no family is. We have our problems, but communication is much better now and we work through our problems rather than fighting.
Depression has a really strange way of letting you think that you're "getting better" then showing up out of nowhere and completely rocking your world. It has been, and always will be a part of me now. It's taken years and years, but I've accepted that. However, it will never get easier to accept is the person it changes me into when it comes back from out of the blue. I become a person I don't recognize anymore. Someone who lets her emotions get the best of her, which in turn, affects everyone around me. Lately, I've become better at handling it when I start to feel like a different person. But, sometimes, no matter how hard I try I can't stop it. I lose my way, but eventually, with the help of my MANY great friends, I find my way back. Therapy, medication(yes, medication), surrounding myself with supportive, good people have all really helped me. But, lets talk about the dreaded medication. I take two antidepressants. I chose to take them to help my depression. However, they help more than just depression. Mine specifically, help with my insomnia, they increased my appetite, they help with anxious thoughts, and panic attacks. I have taken them daily for 5 years now and I swear to you, they have worked wonders. I can see a difference if I forget to take them. I respect the common opinion to avoid medications. However, criticizing people who take medication is causing more harm than good, in my opinion.
This part, the part I'm about to tell you, only my family and a few close friends know. Depression has recently gotten the best of me, and I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. This is a type of eating disorder that affects the way you view yourself. I caught myself looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I saw the extra skin sitting on my hips, the cellulite forming on my sides, the extra fat sitting on my lower stomach, the thigh gap that I'd had since I could remember was suddenly gone. I hated who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I KNOW! I'm not "fat", I'm not "big". But, my brain took over and I truly believed that I was those things. So I became obsessed. I weighed myself every time I walked into the bathroom. I stopped eating, convincing myself that it was the food that was making me nauseous and causing me to become physically ill. I convinced my family and friends that it was the food making me nauseous and causing me to become physically ill. In 3 months, I lost 20 pounds. Jeans that were too small, became too big. Food that once smelled so good, smelled repulsive. I'm handling it now, so no worries there. With the push of some very concerned(and amazing) family and friends, I'm currently seeing a therapist who is helping me work through these sometimes (most times) overpowering thoughts. I'm slowly gaining my weight back, which I'm starting to realize is a good thing. This has been one of those things you deal with that you think defines you, but it doesn't. This isn't who I am. BDD is NOT who I am. I am a woman with goals, ambitions, love to give, wonderful friends, amazing family, who just happens to have BDD.
Depression has had control over my life more times than I would like to admit, but I am PROUD of where I am. I am proud of who I have become despite my struggles. Before, it was hard for me to admit my strengths. But, I am not allowing depression to take that away from me. I am proud to express how far I've come over the years. I know now that I am strong. I am a good person with a good heart. My ability to ALWAYS put others first, no matter how mentally low I am personally, is one of my best qualities. I owe that to my brother, but again, we will save that for another post. I would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, for the people that I love. I'm no longer scared to admit when I'm feeling sad, which is a huge step for me. I always try to see the best in people, despite their past. I want to be remembered for my kind, giving heart and I will continue to work towards that for the rest of my life.
I am ALWAYS here. I will always listen. If you have questions or anything you want to talk about, please do NOT hesitate to contact me. You can do so via direct message on social media, my contact form on the front page of my blog, or via call or text!!!
Here are some resources that I've used in the past that can be helpful if you're struggling with depression, or even if you're having a harder time with life than usual.
-Counseling/therapy: IT IS OKAY TO GET HELP. There is a stigma against counseling/therapy. It does not make you weak, it does not make you less of a person, it does not make you ANYTHING but strong. Realizing that you have a problem that you want to fix is GOOD. My therapist has helped me through so many things, big or small.
-Medication: Medication, medication, medication. It's helped me. It's helped my family. It's helped my friends. I'm not pushing it on anyone, but I'm not pulling it from anyone either.
-Support system: Surrounding yourself with people who listen, who see you, who embrace your "problems" and help you through these problems is essential to coping. My support system has changed over the years, but it has only gotten stronger.
-Talk: If you're not interested in seeing a therapist ITS OKAY!!! But, talk. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to the lady who does your nails, the guy who cuts your hair. TALK!!!! Keeping everything bottled up inside will only cause you to explode. Talking helps. I promise.
-Find your strengths: Finding the strengths you have and embracing them, will allow you to use those strengths to help you get through the struggles.
-Find your weaknesses: Become aware of your weaknesses, but don't let them steal your focus.
SUICIDE HOTLINE:
800-273-8255
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* "Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations (Mayo Clinic, n.d.)
Mayo clinic (n.d) Body Dysmorphic Dysorder. Retrieved on 9/15/2020 from:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938
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